


my (secret) feelings (about) that time

by Rahenna



Series: Ace of Hearts [3]
Category: Gakuen Heaven 2 ~Double Scramble~
Genre: M/M, Stream of Consciousness, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2018-06-09 10:19:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6901894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rahenna/pseuds/Rahenna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sakaki's thoughts about the seemingly spontaneous kiss on the school roof.<br/>(New version, completely rewritten, see notes for details.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	my (secret) feelings (about) that time

**Author's Note:**

> The old/original version of this story was the first GH2 fic I'd ever written, and I didn't have a solid idea of what I wanted to do at the time. Now that I have a very strong image of who I believe Sakaki is, it was time to bring this story in line with the rest of the series. The tone and his character are now consistent with my more recent writing. :3
> 
> I also shifted the date ahead one day, placing this scene solidly between the kiss (June 24) and Sakaki's backstory (June 26).
> 
> ~~~
> 
> Contains spoilers for Gakuen Heaven 2. If you intend to play the game yourself, reading this may ruin your fun a bit. :)
> 
> Originally posted here:  
> [Adults Always Lie](http://heaven.neo-romance.net/lies/)
> 
> If you want to know more about the Gakuen Heaven series, please visit my fansite for game translations and summaries:  
> [welcome to Heaven](http://heaven.neo-romance.net/)

**June 25, 2017**

It was a moment of weakness.

I'd gone up to the rooftop seeking some privacy, hoping to be undisturbed long enough to calm my emotions and gather my thoughts. The atmosphere in the staff room was grim and oppressive. Most of the other teachers were too timid to say anything to me, but from the pitying looks that had been directed at me all day, it was clear that everyone knew what had happened.

Of course, I had been expecting it for a while. I'd quietly rebelled against my family's orders, too cowardly to offer any direct opposition, but too invested to sit back and let my brother do as he wished. I'd started with a small, tentative action; there were plenty of students at the school who possessed the skills needed to find and leak the grainy recording of Sonoda's thievery. It would have been easy enough to deny my connection to the video that provided the evidence the students needed to support their objections.

After watching Asahina take full advantage of that small opening, somehow managing to press the reluctant Kasahara into action, I realized that I had to do something. If mere children could overcome their fears and stand up for what was right, what excuse did I have for my hesitation?

My brother's continued acts of brazenness had spurred me to react. Pressuring a child who had just lost his sole remaining family member, using me to control my stepcousin with false promises in order to keep him safe from direct manipulation, calling for the destruction of research on a drug that might have saved my best friend, even attacking my place of employment. My brother's sins were many, but so were my own. Inaction and a failure to protect the young people under my care made me just as guilty. 

There was only one way to atone: I had to start undoing the damage my cowardice had caused.

My next move was bold, feeding secret company information to Kasahara. The boy had the skills needed to access the hidden data, but without knowing where to start his search on the vast Sakaki Group network, there was no way he could have located it in time. No one outside of high-level managers or family members would have known where to start. My involvement was obvious, my dismissal as assistant director inevitable.

I didn't care much for the position, but damn, I missed having my own office.

The roof was technically off limits during the school day, but that didn't stop students and teachers alike from seeking a few quiet moments between classes or during the lunch break. Most of the traffic was from frustrated staff members seeking a private place to smoke in peace, myself included. The roof was also a popular meeting place for couples, students involved in budding romances who couldn't wait until they returned to the privacy of the dorm.

Unfortunately, I was hiding out on the rooftop to avoid the sympathetic comments and pitying stares of the other teachers, not meeting a lover or enjoying a smoke. I was too wound up in the worry that had gnawed at me since the day I'd taken a stand. I'd been so calm and collected while facing Yuichiro, cold reason and fury separating me from the fear that had held me back for so long. But now that the righteous anger had faded, I'd returned to being a cowardly hypocrite, stressing over what my family's next move would be.

It wasn't the first time I'd followed my own path, but all of my past resistance had been tempered by my need to satisfy at least some of my family's desires. _You can teach, but only at our schools. If you want to continue with your worthless job, go to Bell Liberty and take over. You've been blocked? If you want to stay there, you'd better find a way to make the director do what we want._

They'd never expected me to refuse their demands; why would they, since I caved in every time? 

I didn't regret standing up for myself or the school, not really, but now it was time to accept the consequences. My brother wouldn't allow my defiance to go unpunished; it wasn't in his nature to be merciful. Honestly, I would have been worried if he hadn't lashed out during the board meeting, stopping just short of cursing me out in front of several high-ranking managers in the Group. 

I knew there would be more nonsense to deal with later, but thanks to the compelling arguments that Kasahara had aimed at the Suzubishi faction, my teaching job at Bell Liberty was secure for now. That was a comfort. If anything, my daily routine would be easier, with more time to focus on lesson planning, customizing homework for the students, and one-on-one tutoring.

Tutoring. I still couldn't believe that Asahina had expressed a genuine interest in studying with me. I'd suspected some sort of ulterior motive, but his reason had been pure. _At the oden stall, you said you'd teach me anytime, didn't you?_

I'd wanted to grab that idiot boy by the shoulders, to shake some sense into him. _Don't get attached to me just because I showed you a bit of kindness. I'm the villain who placed this school in danger. I'm the one who failed to stand up for Kasahara. I would have let this school close if you'd failed. Don't you understand? I'm a coward, your polar opposite._

"Yuki," I murmured, wondering, not for the first time, if his personality had been shaped by the meaning of his name. Courage, boldness, daring, but also recklessness and an element of blind faith. He certainly seemed to have lived up to that potential. Maybe I wasn't all that different; with a bland, traditional name, was I doomed to be nothing more than a second son, always in vain pursuit of the approval that I could never hope to win?

_Stop it. This isn't helping._

Still, I was the one who had allowed the school to be placed in danger, who had failed to protect Kasahara from insidious blackmail. Asahina knew these things, and still persisted, his bright and cheery attitude unwavering as he chatted about his friends, wanting to share the joy of their successes with me, the villain who had nearly destroyed the place that brought them all together. Still, I could understand his desire to let me know that the students were recovering from the crisis, carrying on with their usual activities in their nurturing environment.

Asahina was untouched by the corruption that had brought the school to the brink of closure. He was the same as always, spirit unbroken by the unfairness of the threat or the ugly truth behind it all. His faith in the goodness of people had remained.

His unshakeable confidence in the goodness of the world was irritating in its naive simplicity, but on a deeper level, one I was reluctant to acknowledge, it stung. He'd been raised in a way that hadn't crushed the idealism out of his young heart, and was inherently strong enough, or maybe had grown strong enough to survive the pain of betrayal without losing hope. I'd shoved aside that twinge of envy, reminding myself that Asahina was the exception, not the rule. Few people were so lucky.

It shouldn't have been a surprise that Asahina's wide-eyed interest in the people around him extended to me as well, his naive worldview transforming my protests of 'not really an ally' to 'definitely on your side' in his mind. Despite my protests, he never wavered from that position, even though I was speaking the truth.

"You don't make any sense," I murmured, closing my eyes. 

Especially not with how he'd responded to my teasing. 

_Are you interested in me?_

It had been nothing more than a lighthearted poke at his naive openness, a joke offered in appreciation of his amusing conversation. But Asahina had seriously considered it, working through the problem out loud like he always did, without hesitation or care for what was appropriate. That earnest self-conversation, considering his feelings like there was an actual possibility that affection had motivated his actions, had been the start of it.

It was only natural to feel a spark of longing for someone so kind and honest. Those unconscious emotions were uncontrollable and blameless.

_It's the actions we take that can be problematic._

Impressions flickered through my mind, disjointed scraps of memory: the softness of untouched lips, the coarseness of messy hair, the warmth of a sharply exhaled breath. My pulse quickened even as I reprimanded myself: _Don't remember that._

I reached for my shirt pocket reflexively, almost comforted by the familiar weight of the lighter and cigarettes within, but I pulled my hand back with a sigh. That was just another way of running from my troubles. Ignoring the problem wouldn't make it disappear; I'd have to deal with Asahina for, at a minimum, the remainder of the school year, and likely longer if he remained student council president and Kasahara succeeded in restoring my position on the board.

_This is ridiculous. He's just a boy. He's an innocent._

Why, then, was he stronger than me? I could accept Asahina being stronger than Kasahara, a peer who had been through hell, but I was an adult with years of experience dealing with the harshness of the world. Was that it, then? Had I been worn down by the bitterness of reality, all my innocence ground away like a grain of rice milled down for sake brewing?

Asahina was whole. I wasn't. That was the simple truth. It didn't matter if he was consciously wielding that strength, or if he did it instinctively because of his convictions. The result was the same: his personality was forceful, his idealism unshakeable, his emotions pure.

That forceful energy was exactly what I found attractive in a man. Only, I was normally drawn to physical power and masculinity. Asahina had none of that. What he did have was force of presence, a commanding personality that drew me in, muting my reason. Maybe it had started weeks ago, back when he rushed out on stage to challenge me in front of the entire school. The fearless determination on his young face was still etched on my memory, the fierce protectiveness of a creature of instinct whose pack had been threatened. He'd resisted all attempts at intimidation, remaining stubbornly unbent no matter how much responsibility was heaped on his shoulders or how much Kasahara struggled to escape his duty.

On the flip side, there was Asahina's kindness, a softness that was somehow not a sign of weakness, but another marker of strength. That tenderness was directed outward at others, not twisted back on itself as self-pity or hopelessness. The warmth of his favor drew growth from even the most barren ground; all of his friends had blossomed, to varying degrees.

And when the full force of that vibrant compassion had been trained on me, I'd crumbled. It wasn't merely the sight of Asahina's reddened, tear-stained cheeks, or the way his voice wavered as he poured out apologies and worries that I hardly deserved. It was the intent behind all of those physical signs and sounds, the message that underlay the words he spoke.

_You're important. You matter. I care about you._

That simple sincerity cut through my resistance like a knife. In the heat of the moment, watching tears of sympathy drip from his wide eyes, I'd felt almost drowned by the emotions his honest care had elicited: the sense that I too was special, worthy of favor and care. But there was also a need to soothe him, guilt at causing him pain, frustration with the rumors that were already flying about me and my position at the school. I'd just wanted him to stop crying. Somehow, pressing a kiss to his lips had been the obvious solution, a spontaneous action that had surprised even me at the time, but now that I thought back on it, it must have been fueled by an unconscious desire.

I'd played it off coolly at the time, but now, the memory was enough to make my pulse race. Thank god Asahina had accepted my hasty excuse, too stunned by my impulsive actions to make much of a protest. He'd been visibly relieved when I'd invited him to help me move my things from the assistant director's office to the shared staff room, glad to focus on something else.

He didn't have to know that those brief moments of contact had been etched into my consciousness, resurfacing countless times over the short hours that had passed since the previous afternoon. Asahina's warmth, his kindness, his strength; I couldn't put them from my mind. Even now, if I closed my eyes, I could hear his voice, shrill with desperation and despair.

_It's because I won the Bell One, isn't it!? I don't want you to end up leaving the school because of that!!_

I shook my head. "You're blameless, Asahina. It would only have been what I deserved..."

Warm lips, moist with tears. Wide eyes, shining with compassion. I couldn't think about those things, I'd be completely lost if I let myself remember.

_He's a student, too young, so far from my type it's laughable. Why are you obsessing over a single action, one spontaneous mistake? Let it go, he's already forgotten._

I could only pray that Asahina had forgotten, and that my pathetic excuse had been enough to deflect any possibility of him bringing it up again. Asahina was just the type of honest fool who would dwell upon seemingly trivial actions, his emotional intuition uncovering the true meaning behind them.

_It wasn't trivial. You kissed a student. You really expect Asahina to forget about it?_

The real question was if I expected myself to forget about it, when every time I closed my eyes, that handful of seconds replayed itself over and over in my mind's eye. It was hopeless. I'd have to avoid him as much as possible, and give myself time to cool off, to forget his compelling strength.

_But I wish I could see his honest eyes looking at me like that again._

~ end ~


End file.
